Debts and Credits of the Heart

In the economic sphere, the relationship between debts and credits is well understood. Those who owe money to someone have a legal or moral obligation to settle their debt, often facing the struggle — and sometimes the impossibility — of doing so. Conversely, those who are owed money have a legal or moral right to be repaid what is due to them.

Jesus also illustrated this concept in the parable of the creditor who is forgiven a large debt but fails to extend the same forgiveness to someone who owes him a small amount. This theme is particularly evident in Jesus’ prayer: “Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors.” Here, the issue of debts and credits is reframed on a personal level concerning our relationships with God and with one another. It moves beyond material goods to focus on relational dynamics.

The commandment of love underlies this discussion, connecting love for God with love for our brothers and sisters, especially through the lens of forgiveness. The analogy between financial debts and forgiveness is striking: just as paying off a debt often requires time — and if the debt is substantial, one might ask to settle it in instalments — the same applies to forgiveness. It takes time to forgive, and a significant gap can exist between the decision to forgive and the emotional peace that comes with truly letting go.

In both friendships and marriages, certain responsibilities arise, shaped by the depth and strength of the bond. In marriage, these duties are clearly outlined in the initial agreement, whether it be civil or sacramental. Unlike friendships that may thrive on spontaneity, marriage requires intentionality; love is both a choice and a commitment. This means actively seeking to love first, even when it demands sacrifices or accepting aspects that don’t come naturally. As Paul reminds us, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another” (Romans 13:8–10). Embracing this ideal promotes a lasting and meaningful connection that transcends mere feelings.

Some debts and credits can transform into demands that stray far from genuine love and affection. This is particularly evident in the relationship between husbands and wives, especially regarding intimacy and family obligations. In these intricate marital dynamics, we often hear phrases like, “I did this for you, while you...” This phenomenon also extends to the relationship between parents and children, where parents anticipate unwavering gratitude for the sacrifices made in raising their child.

At the same time, children may behave as if these offerings are simply owed to them.

Countless adult children harbour resentment towards their parents for unmet expectations and unfulfilled promises that stem from various reasons. Parents might resort to emotional manipulation, uttering lines like, “After everything I’ve done for you!” In response, children might counter with, “You brought me into this world, so you’re obligated to do this or that.” These patterns create a divide that hinders genuione connections, emphasizing the need for open dialogue and mutual appreciation in fostering healthier relationships.

Debts and claims can arise even among siblings, leading to feelings of resentment when one believes they have been favoured or given more opportunities than the others. Parents may unintentionally create perceptions of unfairness in how they allocate resources or support to each child. These sentiments often hold a kernel of truth, as love and family dynamics are complex and imperfect.

The Lord’s Prayer offers a compelling invitation for us to reconcile with both our debts and the claims we cling to. In the presence of God, who models the grace of letting go of every claim we make against Him, we too should examine how we handle our own feelings of entitlement and neglect. This isn’t a matter of turning a blind eye to injustices; it’s essential to confront reality honestly. Yet, having acknowledged these truths, we still have the power to choose how we treat others. We can strive to embody the principle of doing unto others as we wish to be treated, while recognizing our shared imperfections and vulnerabilities. 

Let your only obligation be to love.